Okay real talk — TV show trivia is currently destroying my self-esteem on a nightly basis and I can’t decide if I hate it or love it.
Last night, 2:17 a.m., sitting cross-legged on my floor because the couch felt too judgmental, eating cold lo mein straight from the carton with a plastic fork that was already bending, I decided to do one more “how well do you know your favorite series” quiz. Big mistake. Massive.
I thought I was a Friends connoisseur. Like, top-tier, “I could teach a college course” level. Then the question pops up: “What was the name of Ross’s pet monkey?” and my brain just… bluescreened. Marcel. Obviously Marcel. Except my fingers typed “Marvin” like I was having a stroke. 2% of my dignity evaporated right there on the carpet.
And that’s the thing with TV show trivia — it doesn’t care how many times you’ve seen the episodes. It waits until 2 a.m. when you’re emotionally compromised and then asks you something insanely specific like “In which episode does Chandler get his third nipple mentioned for the last time?” and suddenly you’re googling your own childhood memories wondering if you even watched television correctly.
The Part Where TV Show Trivia Becomes Personal Attack
I have a running list (on my notes app, titled “Ways Television Has Betrayed Me”) of moments that still hurt:
- Thinking Tyrion Lannister said “That’s what I do. I drink and I know things” in season 1 (it was season 6, kill me)
- Believing the Starbucks cup in Game of Thrones was intentional foreshadowing for like 45 minutes
- Forgetting that Michael Scott’s “that’s what she said” count is officially in the hundreds — I guessed 47. Forty-seven. Like a child.
- Missing the fact that the Coldplay song in The O.C. pilot is actually “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap, not Coldplay. I argued with my best friend for six years about this. Six. Years.
Every time I think “okay, I’ve finally mastered TV show trivia for my generation,” the universe serves me something like: “Name all 12 of Lorelai Gilmore’s boyfriends in chronological order” and I remember I don’t even like coffee that much.
Survival Guide From Someone Who Is Clearly Not Surviving
Here’s what I’ve learned after approximately 400 humiliating quiz attempts:
- Never do TV show trivia when you’re already tired/hungry/emotionally fragile (so basically never do TV show trivia)
- The more confident you feel going in, the harder the universe will humble you It’s karmic law at this point
- Save the really hard series-specific ones for when you need to feel something other than existential dread Nothing makes you forget your problems quite like realizing you don’t remember who shot Mr. Burns
- Embrace the 30-60% score range It’s the sweet spot where you still feel like a fan but also appropriately punished
- When in doubt, just say “it was the one with the dragon” for everything Game of Thrones related Statistically you’ll be right like 40% of the time
I know this sounds like the ramblings of someone who needs to touch grass, and you’re probably right, but there’s something weirdly comforting about failing at something I love so publicly (and privately, at 3 a.m., crying into noodles).
